Some Ideas about Raising Children

People often ask my husband and me how we can possibly raise 3 small children and simultaneously keep our careers and our spirits high. Our fundamental philosophy is to provide skills and tools for our children to be responsible, secure, and passionate about what they do. We have encountered a lot of different ideas, some of which we follow. The best practices that we list here have at the very least allowed us to be consistent and at the very best have allowed us to create a positive family culture. However, as anyone with kids knows, we certainly have had our share of challenges. The following best practices list contains ideas from our friends, colleagues, pediatricians, Montessori school, and my experience as a counseling psychologist. They have paid off incredibly!

I begin with general principles – I call them “the bedrock principles” -- that seem to be best practices at any age, and then have a section for babies, toddlers, pre-schoolers, and up to kindergarten & elementary.

If you read this list, please keep 3 things in mind:

1. First, this is a living (evolving) document – it changes and grows as we learn new things and have new experiences. So, if you are wondering where the “teenager” section is; or even where the “tween” section is… we have not gotten there yet!
2. Second, this is not an exhaustive list – rather, it is a selective list of principles in addition to what we normally get from pediatricians, friends, etc.
3. Third, and most important, if something sounds not right, then it is probably not right for you. I have certainly politely rejected a lot of advice over the years!

Bedrock principles

It is not until you have children that you realize how many different styles and approaches you can take. A short walk through a grocery store, restaurant, or stroll through the park will reveal children doing similar things (e.g., throwing something, screaming, or running away) but parents handling those situations very differently. The following principles we think make sense for babies on up:

1. Use behavioral descriptions not labels. Go into any restaurant or public place and you will hear parents labeling their children – “you are so demanding”; “stop being a brat”, etc. Instead of saying, "Stop being so demanding", say, "I don’t like the way you are talking to me". Instead of saying, "Stop being a whiney kid", say, "You sound very upset." This gives the child a language for understanding her emotions. It is shocking to me how many parents start labeling their kids – and even their infants. Think about how many times you hear a mom or dad saying to their infant, “You are being a fussy baby”.
2. Provide language for understanding emotions, including "negative" emotions. So many parents try to quickly move children away from emotional experiences, such as crying, screaming, and tantrums. Once my daughter was crying and another well-meaning mother came up and told me she would try to divert her with a toy; I politely asked that mother to leave and instead, helped my daughter learn the word, “angry”. If you always try to move your child out of negative moods, this communicates to the child that negative emotions are unacceptable and leaves them mysterious for the child. Better to let the child experience the emotion and provide a language for what they are feeling inside, "You are feeling so angry now"; "You look so sad". Children, even young infants will quickly learn to use the language and communicate their feelings with words.
3. Pay two compliments every day to your child. And, be very specific and individualized about what you appreciate in your child – his patience, her beautiful song, his completing a chore, her picking up her room. So often, parents focus on negative behaviors and will criticize the child. Even more important is to provide positive acts of reinforcement. "I really like the way you are helping the conversation along"; "I really appreciate the way you picked up those toys." Also important is to compliment the child on his patience and understanding (the unseen actions), "thank you for being so patient during lunch…"; or, “I really like the way that you helped that boy who was in trouble.”
4. I love you because you are you. Say "I love you" several times a day to a child, in several situations, ranging from the pleasant to the stressed. It is important to communicate to a child that you love him no matter what he says or does. I am fond of telling my children at least once per day, "I love you because you are you."
5. Every emotion is valid. Whereas most adults can separate feelings from behaviors, children need to learn this. We tell our children that it is OK to feel any emotion, such as hate and jealousy, but that it is not OK to act on those emotions. If children are told that they can’t feel a certain way, they begin to doubt themselves. It is important to empathize, too, "I bet you are feeling so mad that you want to scream; I feel that way too sometimes in that situation".

Infants and Babies (birth up to about 12 months)

1. Develop a pattern for the big 3: Eating, sleeping, and playing. It took us 6 months after our first child was born to realize that you don’t just let your baby fall asleep at haphazard times during the day, but rather, you put him in a specific place at a specific time every day to sleep. (Of course, this may not always be possible especially if there are siblings to drive and pick up). Consistency and patterns provide comfort to a child and allows the internal clock to function and for him to feel secure. The same thing goes with feeding and playing. This does not mean that you live by a clock, but rather that she knows what to expect.
2. Receptive language comes first. Just because he does not talk or even seem to process what you are saying does not mean that language is not developing in baby. Receptive language or the ability to understand what someone is saying precedes transmission – or the ability to communicate. You are the model for language. At a bare minimum, describe everything that you and he are doing as you interact together. This means asking questions directly to your baby, even though he won’t respond verbally at least for awhile.
3. Don’t sneak out. So many parents will try to divert a child (or wait until she is engrossed with someone else) and then sneak out of the room. Many parents think that infants are not aware of people coming and going. They are. Far better to begin practicing the “goodbye” ritual, the day you bring baby home from the hospital -- “I love you. Mom is going out. I will be back in one hour.” Baby may cry, but after a short while will have much greater comfort knowing that people don’t appear and disappear in a strange, unpredictable fashion. As she gets older, you can even have a special goodbye routine – a kiss on each cheek and then one on the nose.
4. Use names instead of pronouns. People experience positive affect when their name is used or even when they see their name. Even in the earliest conversations you have with baby, use her name, when you ask her questions and describe what is going on. There is yet another reason: pronouns, such as you and me and mine and us are difficult. Nouns, such as mom and Anna are easier to track.

Toddlers (12-36 months or so)

1. Never say "No". Let’s face it, most toddlers like to explore and to take things and walk places they should not. The primal instinct is to say, “no” about 4400 times a day to the toddler, or perhaps a cute, “no-no”. This word will come back to haunt you if you do. We strongly believe that instead of saying no, parents should say, “please stop hitting the clock” or “please move away from the stairs”. In other words, be specific about what it is you don’ like. In about 90% of the cases, the phrase, "Please Stop" is a perfect substitute for “no-no”. "No" is negating; stop is much more specific to the behavior. Further, "no-no" is not particularly good grammar; and therefore, does not help the child focus on the specific action. In addition to "Stop", we have found the following expressions very useful, "That is not your work"; "You need to put that down"; "We cannot do that now".
2. A tantrum is a choice. One of our children had what is known as “terrible twos” – screaming, etc. As much as possible, provide children with choices in terms of what they can do in any emotional situation. I will often say, "You can cry and scream if you want to, however, I am not going to give you the cookie. If you use your words, we can talk about desserts." This way, children can learn that acting out is their choice, and that the choice ultimately does not pay off.
3. Give Responsibility. The more children are provided with responsibility, the more they will rise to the occasion. It is easy for parents to get in a rut of doing everything for their child, as it saves time. We put all of our kids’ dishware and cups on a shelf they could reach by themselves. Very early, let the child bring her own plate to the table, put her laundry in the basket, and pick up her toys. Allow children to choose gifts, make suggestions, and engage in brainstorming about problems.
4. Expressing emotions and reading them in others. Crying is the right thing to do when anyone is sad, boy, girl, man or woman. We tell our children that when we are sad, we cry. When we hear or see another child crying, our children attempt to interpret the inner feeling, "She must be sad"; "He sounds angry". This teaches emotional intelligence and is more constructive than labeling.
5. Mediate, don’t Arbitrate. If you are always the arbitrator (imposing a decision), your children never learn to resolve conflicts on their own. Better to be the mediator (and let the children take ownership of the outcome). Parents with multiple children have to deal in one way or another with fighting between children; even parents with one child will be involved in fights with other children. In our house, we have practiced a 3-step mediation process since our children were of walking age. Each child involved in the conflict is asked to sit down and: (1) take turns describing what happened in their own words ("e.g., "He hit me.." ; (2) state how they are feeling ("really mad.."); and (3) brainstorm what to do about it in a fashion that everyone can agree to. The last step is very important, but so are the first two. This procedure teaches ownership of the process and creates an opportunity for constructive work. It will take a while to fully learn the process, but the process itself is a learning experience. I started this process way before my children were able to articulate their feelings, much less provide a recount of an altercation; however, what they learned was that it is important to stop and reflect and to attempt to recount.
6. Consistently follow through. It is extremely important to follow through on what you and the family say and do. Inconsistency, in word or deed, is confusing and demoralizing. It may take more time to follow through, but the benefits in the long run are enormous.
7. New siblings. It is often the toddler that has to deal with the new sibling, although it can happen at any age! A new sibling is a traumatic experience for a child of any age. It is unreasonable to expect the child to be thrilled about the new baby. It is far more understandable for the child to feel upset. As an analogy, consider how you would feel if your spouse told you that he had fallen in love with another person, and that the person would be moving into the house and wearing your clothes and that you had to help in taking care of this person. Anyone would be outraged! Acknowledge this. We have taken the following steps when each new baby has arrived: (1) immediately give the older child(ren) more valued responsibilities (e.g., "you get to have a new, adult bed and pick out your own new sheets from a catalogue"); (2) arrange at whatever cost to have at least 10-15 min per day of a private time with the child to do something new and special ("watch a short movie together": "look at pictures" "make cookies"); (3) do not ask the older child to help with the baby, but if she does, compliment her actions; (4) empathize with the negative and positive aspects of the baby ("she is cute, but she is loud and messy").
8. Discipline: Your response to your child’s behavior – bad or good – will be modeled by your child when she interacts with you. I am constantly amazed at how many parents yell at their children in public and use very harsh language and then wonder why that child begins to misbehave in public and use harsh language himself. The good news is that you are the trend-setter in your relationship with your child and whatever behavior you choose to use with your child will be used by your child not only as she deals with other kids, but also as she deals with you. So, what do you do when your 3-year old is refusing to get dressed? Or eat dinner? Or is throwing something (of value) on the floor? Consider 3 steps: First, keep your tone and temper down and use your words to express firm concern, “We need to get dressed so that we don’t miss the party.” Second, describe her behavior (not her personality) to her, “You are obviously very, very angry right now.” (Please don’t say, “You’re a bad girl”). Third, give 2 (not more) reasonable options, “You can either have dad change you or I will.” Or, “you can either pick that telephone up or I will ask you to go to your room for a few minutes until you are ready.”
9. Authoritative Discipline. Parents often face three choices when it comes to discipline, ranging from the laissez-faire approach to the authoritarian approach. The Laissez-faire approach is characterized by the child making demands, which are usually (perhaps grudgingly) granted by the parent. In some sense, the child knows no limits. The other extreme is the authoritarian parent whose behavior is often characterized by the phrase, "Because I am your parent and you shall do as I say." Fortunately, there is an alternative called the authoritative parent. The authoritative parent is firm, but listens to the child and provides the rationale behind his or her rules. Thus, if a child asks, "Can I eat candy before dinner?", the laissez-faire parent would say, "If you want to"; the authoritarian parent would say, "No, because I said so"; the authoritative parent would say, ‘No, because I have made some food that is healthier and we can have the candy after we have eaten dinner."
10. Sharing is not appropriate to ask of a toddler: Inevitably, you will find a toddler completely engrossed in an activity or toy and another toddler walks up who threatens to take it away. A well-meaning adult will suggest that the first toddler “share” the toy. We think this is absurd. Why should she share something that she is currently engrossed in? We would not ask a guitarist to share his guitar while she is playing. And, when I am typing, I am not going to share the key board. A far better response is to say, “When Jack is finished playing with the car, you can have it.”

Pre-school & kindergarten

1. Self-Disclose. If you are always confident, secure and happy, your child gets the message that it is not appropriate for him or her to be anything but confident, secure, and happy. Children admire their parents and attempt to model them. Thus, it is important to show the child all parts of yourself; not just the good or acceptable parts. Many parents feel that they must always show strength, control, and be in a good mood. When they do this, they are communicating to their child that weakness, doubt, confusion, and anxiety are not normal and unacceptable. When you are having a bad day, share your feelings with your child. This way, a child learns to empathize and can learn to take on a care-giving role.
2. Take your child on dates. Parents with multiple children need to spend one-on-one time with each child. We call these events "dates" and most of the time, and even though the situation is mundane it is a meaningful experience from the child’s viewpoint. For example, I regularly will invite one of my children to accompany me on a doctor’s visit, pick up papers from my office, or to shop for a present. It does not matter so much where you go, as the act of being together, and the conversation you make.
3. Apologize when you need to. You are not perfect; no one is. Thus, it is important to apologize when you have done something that you regret. "I am sorry that I forgot to bring your picture to school. Can I bring it tomorrow? Do you forgive me?"
4. Reasonable Choice. Everyone likes choice, so do children. As much as possible, provide for reasonable choices at every decision point, and let them decide what they want to do.
5. Time-Outs. Time-outs, for the most part, should be used rarely, but consistently. If a child has engaged in a behavior repeatedly that is unacceptable and an attempt has been made to tell the child why the behavior is unacceptable, a time-out can be used, particularly if the child is endangering someone or something. It is important to communicate to children that their behavior is unacceptable (their feelings are OK no matter what they are). If you do use a time out, plan on having a discussion following the time out, rather than merely “releasing” your child. I suggest sitting in his room, and asking, “Why do you think we asked you to come in your room.” During this discussion, try, as much as possible to communicate that you are not angry at your child, but want to talk about how to make sure that “it” does not happen again. Enlist your child as a consultant in this process – “What do you think we could do differently next time? Is there something I could have done that might have not made you as angry” It is not always necessary to put children in a timeout; we frequently put toys and other objects in time outs, and it creates the same effect.
6. What did you do today? is not the right question. But you will hear it come out of most everyone’s mouth when they pick up their pre-schooler. Better idea: “tell me about drawing”; “what song did you sing at line-time?”
7. Parent-Teacher Conferences. Anyone with a child in pre-school will receive a performance-evaluation of their child at regular intervals. All of the emotion that you might have as the recipient of a performance evaluation in your own company will multiply itself thousand-fold during this conference. We have followed guidelines for getting the most out of this conference:

a. First, and foremost, the point of the conference is not for the teacher to tell you how much she loves your child or how perfect he is. The point of the conference is to share perceptions – this is what she is doing in the class, and for you to talk about what she does at home and identify any potential action areas. I like to set the stage for the conference by telling the teacher what I like about her classroom. This goes along way toward normalizing a potentially stressful meeting. As an instructor myself, people complain more than they appreciate. Most teachers don’t get the praise that they need. They usually only hear from parents who are angry. Teachers need positive feedback. So, I often use the conference as a time to give a positive performance review to the teacher. Of course, if you are not happy with the class, then either find something you do like and compliment that or be very specific about what your not happy about. I think this helps set a good stage for dialogue.

b. Second, ask questions that don’t call for a yes or no answer. Otherwise, the conversation is too short and too cut and dry. Rather, prepare a list of open-ended questions that call for open-ended answers. This way, you learn more.

c. Offer information about your child as you observe her at home, especially what the teacher is saying does not ring true. This helps give the teacher a fuller view of your child.

d. Remember that you and the teachers are partners in helping your child develop, so brainstorm about ways to help your child master a new skill. Resist the urge to tell the teacher that they are not approaching your child the right way and instead tell them what works when you interact with your child.

Young elementary

1. Identify, Relate, & Strategize: Or, IRS. It surprised us when our children started experiencing (normal) stresses – worried about not being able to shoot a basket, worried that he would not be able to read as well as others, etc. The parental instinct – you can just hear it now – is to say, “don’t worry”. I strongly disagree. You worry; worrying is normal and is adaptive. It is the mind’s way of focusing and solving problems.
   
   We think it a better approach to do 3 things: Step #1: Identify: help your child identify what she is feeling – “it sounds like you are concerned that the other kids will laugh at you if you don’t play sports well.”. Step #2 – Relate, “I know exactly how you feel… I remember when I was 6, I was very worried that I could not play kickball. And, I was always the last person picked on the team and I felt terrible.”. Step #3 – Strategize. “One of the things that I did was to practice in my backyard, with my cousin” etc.
2. Talk while you drive: Adults can sit down and immediately say how they are feeling, but 6 and 7 year olds cannot or just simply don’t want to. They are active people; having conversations is not what they do. Perhaps it is just too intense to look each other in the eye. According to Dr. Wendy Neuberger, one of the best times to talk to your young elementary child is in the car. I usually find out the most intimate, embarrassing, and problematic things about my child when I am not looking at him and when we are not sitting down and having a face to face talk… driving is perfect. Coloring together at a table with some music (not TV) is perfect for such talks.
3. Mistake-making place: When my son came home after his first day of first grade, he asked me whether our house was a “mistake-making place”. He explained that his teacher had told him and the other kids that the classroom was a place where people could and would make mistakes and that was part of learning. I reassured him that our house was such a place too!
4. Sensitive subjects: Kids quickly pick up on the fact that certain topics are considered taboo and shameful. So, parents need to work very hard to communicate that we can talk about anything with our kids. It is important to normalize all feelings and most behaviors. Consider for example how a parent might respond to hearing the news that one boy in the class has a “girlfriend.” You could easily imagine someone saying, “You are too young for that and what are you doing anyway?” Versus, “tell me about her. What makes her appealing in your eyes?” Also, some self-disclosure to normalize the feelings would be great, “I remember I liked a boy when I was in the 2nd grade, but I kept it a secret because I did not want people to laugh at me if he did not like me.”
5. Help your child find their passions: Children often feel that other kids are better than them in the narrow set of activities that are lauded in schools. Your response should be to help your child find his own passions – which don’t have to be his talents. I believe that talent results from passion, not vice versa. And it is often the case that what your child is passionate about has nothing to do with success in school. That is ok.